In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Second Valentine’s Day

In 2001, I filled my own small red spiral notebook with things that I loved about you.  I typed them up into little poems that I printed out on the computer and then pasted in.  They're pretty corny, don't always rhyme, and have a lot of inside jokes but I...

Scaffolding

The days are unbearably painful- it feels like lately my face is wet more than it's dry.  This all happens in between singing rousing songs with Audrey or tickling her.  Lately it feels like I walk around with lead weights on my ankles.  It is hard to...

9 Months

Maybe that's why the past couple of days have felt so heavy and full of rage.Nine months.  The time it takes to bring a baby to full term- I am reminded by another young widow. I wish people wouldn't sound so dismal about their birthday just because it means...

Equation

Amazing to me today how grief like this saturates not only your whole perception of reality on a larger scale, but every single detail throughout your day...I went to run a few errands this morning while someone watched Audrey and there was nothing I did not see or...

The One Before

A couple of weeks ago, I picked up the Elizabeth Edwards book entitled "Resilience."  She would know about this- having lost a young son, grieved unfaithfulness in her marriage, and finally battled breast cancer until her death last December. As seems the case...

35

I don't feel old or worried about being old this year.  One, because I know 35 is young.  This became clear as soon as I learned you were dead.  We are so young.  You were so young.  Two because in light of the future- this is the youngest...

Shadow

Today is the day you were to come home.It was up on the wall.It was a Friday.Two years ago.Every day now is the day you don't come home.But this date will always be marked and felt to be lived in the umbra.

Lock of Hair

I've thought about washing your lock of hair- it's a large one- for about a week now.  I went so far as to take it out of the bag, put two of Audrey's ponytail holders around the middle so it doesn't come apart, and sit it on top of the bag by our bathroom sink....

Cool Places

Seems since I first met you- you were taking me to cool places I never would've gone otherwise. These are just a few that come to the top of my head- I know there were so many more cool things we did. I'd usually feel out of place and not know what to wear- so I'd...

Dream

When you lose someone you love, dreams seem to become increasingly important.  It's a popular topic on the widow boards and everyone seems to relish going to sleep because it brings about the hope of seeing your lost spouse.   Now, this could mean just an...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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