Midnight Thoughts

Today I was thinking about how broken everything is.  It’s overused in the church- and yes, we live in a very broken world, but I was thinking more in a literal sense.

I realized at some point a while back that every single thing I touch or look at, will one day break – will one day sit in a trash can, dumpster, or landfill.  Nothing will last.  No matter how much I researched the best quality juicer, or the best quality camera or stroller- all will one day share that fate- they will be garbage.  Maybe some things will hang around a long time- heirlooms, plastic stuff that doesn’t disintegrate well…but for the most part- nothing you touch will last.  It’s painful and liberating to realize.  Everything is broken.

And then this thought- in Romans: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him…

I remember getting to a point where I thought about what that really means- if every single situation and scenario in the world- throughout history- past, present, and future- was working together- how complicated would that tapestry be?  It is beyond my comprehension- which comforts me.  Because it’s not the formulaic- “Well, maybe God was doing this so I would do this.  Yes, that’s it.  Lesson learned.” No, it’s not that at all.  What I see now is just that underside of the tapestry.  It’s a mess of strings and knots.  I hope the other side is much better and the design makes a lot more sense.

I decided a while ago I wouldn’t wear black all the time because when I stopped, people would take it as a sign of healing…which it wouldn’t be.  And also because I don’t want Audrey to see me always in black.  But as a compromise, I think I will sleep in black- that feels very appropriate.  I will wear your black t-shirts that I bought you for the tour.

You are becoming more photos than real.  I can’t believe this because it’s not that long ago.  On the one hand, I can imagine you coming in the door right now- and I do throughout the day- and see your mannerisms so clearly in my mind.  I run up to you, hugging you- telling you thank God- I knew this wasn’t real.  But on the other hand, I look at your pictures lately- and they are flatter- static, completely you- but also somewhat unfamiliar- because they are becoming photos in albums from long ago.

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