Evening Comes

The afternoon consisted of Audrey watching a video while I lay next to her.  Audrey hanging on me asking me to play with play dough with her, while I googled your name and read the articles surrounding your death- some I hadn’t seen before.  It is very difficult that you died such a public death when for most of our life together, you were not a public figure.  I read a few harsh comments suggesting that you couldn’t swim or were drinking.  Neither of these are true.  I felt angry at people who would see you as just an article to comment on, rather than a husband and father who was lost to us.  While I was reading those, Audrey started getting frustrated- maybe she felt my own emotions.  So she started to pull on me and ask to watch a video on your iPod and she started to cry and I started to cry too.  That was the afternoon.

We ate dinner and worked on a puzzle before bed.  I skipped bath time altogether- no energy.  Not the easiest thing to do- help a toddler with a puzzle that’s a bit too challenging for her while in the midst of debilitating grief.  As she tries to shove any two pieces together: “No, look for the colors that match.”  “No, that’s a corner piece.”  OK, she’s not even two and she’s pretty good at the puzzle actually, but I was counting the minutes until bedtime.  The cold and heavy feeling in my chest that I had in those early days is back and had been building there all day.

After she was asleep, I watched the video I posted below- the one I made last year for our 5 year anniversary.  You were away and I was sad that we didn’t get to do anything special.  I made you promise that for our ten year we’d go back to the resort we stayed at in Mexico on our honeymoon.  Was so looking forward to that- now I wish we’d just gone for no occasion at all.  As I watched some of the more random, intimate moments of our marriage- you became you again.  You weren’t the “cellist” anymore, but just my Dan…looking at your face was kind of like looking at myself.  And I couldn’t believe that you’re truly gone.  I am glad I made that slideshow for you last year- I’m glad ended it by telling you I’d love you forever.   It was a tough year- this last one, but I hope you remembered that.  I will love you forever.

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