Audrey has a couple of new favorite words.  “No” is one of them.  She says it even when she doesn’t mean it- I think to try out its power.

“Stop” is the other.  When I’m tickling her, she now yells out “Stoooooop!”

I want to yell both of those because I am not sure I can take this anymore.  I have been grieving intensely, methodically, thoroughly for over 50 days- and I know that I am only scratching the surface.  But I am getting tired.

I realize I have cried, moaned, sat and stared, but I have not screamed.  I think about what my scream would sound like and it frightens me.  I think about where I should scream- and I imagine myself in front of that vast lake where your spirit left us.  Screaming.

The counselor yesterday told me that I’ll know when it’s time to start doing something different- time to just go out with Audrey, or time to watch a movie or be distracted.  So far I have not done that for one moment.  The grief is too intense for distraction of any kind and because we don’t have a TV- there is no background noise to this grief.  It is just me sitting here in bed, during A’s naps and after she goes to sleep- grieving.  “We grieve how we are,” the counselor said at my first session- so for me that means methodically and thoroughly…reading books, writing thoughts, studying the pain.  But- it’s like pulling an all-nighter working on a paper or thesis.  The next morning you are tired, cold, and collapse into bed after turning in that paper.  But I am still waiting for morning to come.

I will not forget you Dan, I promise you that.  How to keep the love but let go of some of the pain when one is caused by the other.  But will you forgive me if I can’t maintain this level of intensity for too much longer?  I can not.  But I am my beloved’s and he is mine- and you always shall be.  My beloved.

3 thoughts on “Stop”

  1. I've been reading since August 29th. I often wonder why there aren't more comments. We e-mailed; I grieve from a more recent loss. Your comments are so poignant and touching, I find myself making "tear water tea" when I read some of the entries. And it helps me to bring my grief to the surface. I'm sending hope to you and Audrey.

  2. If he's the man you describe him to be in your writing, it does not sound like he would want you to infinitely hurt this badly and deeply. It also doesn't sound like he's the type of man or yours is the type of love that you forget. I don't think you have to feel pain to continue to feel love.

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