Audrey has a couple of new favorite words. “No” is one of them. She says it even when she doesn’t mean it- I think to try out its power.
“Stop” is the other. When I’m tickling her, she now yells out “Stoooooop!”
I want to yell both of those because I am not sure I can take this anymore. I have been grieving intensely, methodically, thoroughly for over 50 days- and I know that I am only scratching the surface. But I am getting tired.
I realize I have cried, moaned, sat and stared, but I have not screamed. I think about what my scream would sound like and it frightens me. I think about where I should scream- and I imagine myself in front of that vast lake where your spirit left us. Screaming.
The counselor yesterday told me that I’ll know when it’s time to start doing something different- time to just go out with Audrey, or time to watch a movie or be distracted. So far I have not done that for one moment. The grief is too intense for distraction of any kind and because we don’t have a TV- there is no background noise to this grief. It is just me sitting here in bed, during A’s naps and after she goes to sleep- grieving. “We grieve how we are,” the counselor said at my first session- so for me that means methodically and thoroughly…reading books, writing thoughts, studying the pain. But- it’s like pulling an all-nighter working on a paper or thesis. The next morning you are tired, cold, and collapse into bed after turning in that paper. But I am still waiting for morning to come.
I will not forget you Dan, I promise you that. How to keep the love but let go of some of the pain when one is caused by the other. But will you forgive me if I can’t maintain this level of intensity for too much longer? I can not. But I am my beloved’s and he is mine- and you always shall be. My beloved.