Well, I was never able to find what I thought I’d written in some journal somewhere, but maybe it’s just something I said to Dan.
He was such a great sleeper- just so adaptable in general- probably because of all of the adapting he had to do growing up- being born in the States, moving to Korea, moving back to the States at 13 again by himself to live with a friend of the family.
I am quite the opposite. Unless I’m really tired, it’ll take me a while to fall asleep. So on airplane trips, he’d be sleeping away most of the time, and I’d be bored, watching movies or reading by myself- wishing he’d wake up so we could talk or do something together.
It was the same way at night. I loved that special time when we turned out the lights but would lay in bed talking about small things for a little while. But quite often, he’d fall asleep pretty quickly. Sometimes I’d give him a nudge or pretend I thought he was still awake. That actually made him pretty angry.
But I remember thinking about why it bothered me so much when he fell asleep first. Even though we were sleeping in the same bed, he was quickly in another state. I thought maybe because sleep is so symbolic and closely related to death- it scared me to be left awake in the dark room, so fully aware, and so totally alone. Just for once, I wanted to be the one to fall asleep first.
And now here I am. Alone, left in the dark…wishing, wishing, wishing, I could just tap your shoulder and wake you- no matter how angry you’d get. I’d do it
if I could.