Today I have a migraine- continued from last night.  Took some medicine and drinking ginger ale to help with the nausea, but this will be brief so I can close my eyes.

Audrey’s been giving me a really hard time going down for naps and bedtime.  I even tried letting her nap on my bed just now to stop the struggle/screaming, but she was clearly too distracted in her new surroundings to rest.  So, she’s back in her crib.

This morning a friend came with her three children to play with Audrey and took her to Whole Foods for lunch.

While they were gone, I had a cup of tea, and made a few phone calls- still trying to cancel Dan’s health insurance without losing ours- but still, more than a month later, don’t have an official death certificate from Switzerland.  I explained the situation to the customer service rep. from our COBRA benefits.  It’s odd how people don’t even say they’re sorry for your loss when you tell them that your husband just died.  It was the same at the social security office.  Because for them, this is just paperwork- and their job.  He is just an account number and I am just a customer.

I typed up a letter detailing the situation with his account number and found an envelope – put two stamps on it.  I also walked over to the table with his photos, picked one up, and cried and cursed for a while.  There’s a word I’ve avoided using because it sounds childish and useless- but today I yelled it out loud.  It’s the word “unfair.”

When they came back, Audrey had her hair up in a ponytail and was wearing a few of Molly, the five-year old’s, bracelets. I was shocked at how quickly Audrey is transforming from baby to little girl.  You would be too, Dan.

Unfortunately, Audrey is still not asleep.  My head is pounding and though I want to walk the balance between being her comfort and security during her own grief, and being able to recognize some of this as typical toddler stuff- I am just not able to do anything more for her right now.  I hear her crying and screaming outside my bedroom door from her room, but I know the best I can do for her right now is to lay down and close my own eyes.