I’m alone tonight. I keep the baby monitor on loudly so it’s not too quiet in this room.
It has been a draining day and I actually feel tired at only 10:30 pm which is unusual for me.
Having not been alone that much yet, I find myself just sitting and trying to comprehend it. I stare at your desk. I visualize you sitting there as if if I stare long enough at the picture in my mind you’ll actually appear in the flesh. And when I see you there, bouncing your knees as you type emails to music contacts, or read about soccer games – touching your chin with your thumb and forefinger- i want to tell you you’re going to die – please don’t go.
Since you left the world, I feel afraid of the dark. I don’t trust myself to stay up late alone at night. I feel watched or like you’re going to jump out at me from behind a wall. A friend says my body is still in shock.
Another friend gave me this quote yesterday from Brothers Karamozov. It helps: