In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

absolutely no words.

Eclipse

Dear Dan,It doesn't feel right that I'm packing for a trip without you.But nothing has felt "right" for a while now huh?  I'm still waiting to wake up. How can I put into words what it feels like to be sad every moment but then at the same time have moments of...

Email October 2008

I sent this email to Dan right after Audrey was born. Our Brooklyn apartment got bed bugs- we moved in with my parents in their small house and left everything we owned basically behind. Dan was working really long hours and would come home at midnight. I'd wait for...

March 1

Spring comes quickly.I find myself unprepared.January and February were like hiding places.Pathetic fallacy of bare branches and short days.  Staying inside. Snow brought silence and softness.   I felt safe when I woke up to find it snowing.Now rolling in...

Saying Goodbye

Did you ever notice when you look at a photo of someone you know well, if you know the context a little bit- the people they were with- you can tell who took it?  When I got the photos on Dan's iPhone back from overseas, I could tell who (which of the...

Apology

Sometime after your funeral, I read that when someone dies suddenly, what one really needs to say is, Thank youI'm sorryI love youGoodbye.I looked back on my own tribute that I spoke at your funeral and realized I had hit all of these.  They are important.And the...

Last Night

Last night and this morning have been very, very rough. I went to sleep around midnight again because I have to wait until I'm that tired before trying to sleep- tired enough that I can just turn out the light, pull the covers up over my head and pray to God to give...

Spring Cleaning

Last night we had a lovely barbecue at one of Audrey's preschool friend's homes.  They are a family of five with a nice home, big backyard and Audrey had a great time.  On the drive home always, the sadness comes- and I realize that these new friends have...

9 Months

Maybe that's why the past couple of days have felt so heavy and full of rage.Nine months.  The time it takes to bring a baby to full term- I am reminded by another young widow. I wish people wouldn't sound so dismal about their birthday just because it means...

Two Days Afterwards

Two days after the first anniversary of your death, I sit drinking a glass of wine on the balcony reading a book called "Art Experiences for Toddlers and Twos."  It is raining.  The sound of the cars going fast on the wet pavement is a comfort. "Dip colored...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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